I have always been told that I have an excellent memory, and this is true. There is far little in my life that I do not have a detailed recollection of, even from a very young, and tender age. Therefore, I can easily remember being but 5 years old, and sitting in a little, white-washed, wooden lawn chair, in the front lawn of my father's house. It was mid-afternoon, the sun was shining, there was a gentle warm breeze kissing my warmed skin, and I had a small notebook in hand. I was dreaming. Not the kind of dream that you have to be asleep for, but the kind of dream that you envision awhile you're awake, a dream of the future - And my dream, to grow up to be a Mommy.
With my chubby little hand, I sat jotting down names for the future children, and without a moment's hesitation I can still tell you those exact names. I'm 27, (almost 28) now, and true, those names have changed many times throughout the course of the years, but one thing that has always been a constant, and has never changed, is the fact that I want to be a Mommy. It's my destiny, I've always thought that, felt that. That my sole purpose of being put on this earth was to be some one's Mommy. That some future, pending soul needed my love and guidance, as much as I needed theirs. And so, this past January, when I heard the words, "Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome," that's when my dream became a dream of nightmarish proportions.
Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS), or also known as, Polycystic Ovarian Disease, no matter how you say it, or what you call it, it all means the same thing to me, worst nightmare. The nightmare part? Infertility. Hurts to even use that word, it's ugly, but nonetheless, it's my reality, PCOS is the leading cause of infertility in women. Lucky me, I'm in that 5-8% of women who suffer from it. Of course I use sarcasm when saying this, I hate this. And the funny thing about this, or not so funny, is that I'm not at all surprised, it figures. You see, deep down I've always had this fear that somehow something would hinder my having children, and I was right. Fear or intuition? They say we know our bodies best, right?
Anteverted uterus, cervical cysts, collection of pelvic fluid, polycystic ovaries abnormally massive; fluid filled, amenorrhea...infertility. Kind of difficult to achieve pregnancy when you have no cycle, do not ovulate, and can not release an egg. It all completely has devastated me, I cry a lot these days, like I say, worst nightmare. I ache for a baby, and I refuse to accept that it might never happen when it's all I've ever wanted out of this life. I also refuse to let this dream be stolen from that 5 year-old girl. She first dreamed the dream, so I'm gonna be the one to make it a reality. A dream realized is a dream hoped for, right? I'll fight this, I vow, and I'll be one of those success stories, just you wait an see.
To be continued...
Our focus determines our reality. Maybe your body manifested your own fears because of your focus. I know we all hate hearing this, but think positive! I don't mean that sappy, cat hanging from a line positive mantra crap, I mean mind over matter. Our brains control our bodies, we have to learn to control our brains. Then we can make our bodies do what we want them to do. After all, our bodies aren't our prisons, they are our tools. We have to learn to wield them at maximum efficiency.
ReplyDeleteI love you, Mames. In whatever way the universe decrees, you will have all that you want. I can feel it in my bones.
Aww, Thanks, Em :-D I know what you say is true, and I'm striving for nothing but a positive state of mind, it's just the fear of not knowing always comes back to bite me in the ass.
ReplyDelete