'Cause I've Got Friends in Administrative Places

Having all the right friends in the right places means everything in a world of, "It's not what you know, it's who you know." And just how true that statement is. I know people, and that worked in my favour. I'm neither ashamed to have used my resources, or feel guilty in the least. It's the way the world works. Take it or leave it. I took it. And all it required was contacting a certain individual, and asking them to pull my file and get me in to a specialist asap! I received a phone call from them a few days later with an appointment to see a OB/GYN on Tuesday, May 25th. It was less than a 6 month wait for me, as compared to the year and a half I was first informed of.

To say I was very anxious for my upcoming appointment would be an understatement. I took the day off work, as did dear boyfriend, who said, it was far too important for him to miss. (Cue some, Awwwws). Finally, I could stop worrying, find out directly what my options were, and get started on the road to fertility. Time is of the essence, and my biological clock has struck turbo speed. At least, that's the way it feels to me. I've got a case of empty womb syndrome, and to anyone who has ever experienced it, it's an ache like no other. It's mourning for a life not lived, not like mourning over a life once lived. It's different, but yet the same, if you can make any sense out of that.

I was prepared for this, the day couldn't get here soon enough, but by the evening before, I had worked myself into a ball of nerves, rattled nerves. Sleep couldn't find me, but I managed to track it down by 2 am. Unfortunately my sleep was that of a restless one until 5:40 am, at which time I got up. I went for a run, got my entire exercise routine under my belt by 8am. They claim exercise releases endorphins, but it did nothing to calm me. And when I thought I could not get any more ancy, we were in the car, and on our way. My heart picked up pace, I was fidgety, and my stomach was in knots. Just just one of those loose knots, but one of those knots a Boy Scout learns on his first wilderness excursion. I was ultra quiet and deep in thought the entire drive. For the sake of dear boyfriend, I tried to act all was well, but who was I kidding, he always knows, I can't get anything passed him. I swear he knows what I'm feeling before I even feel it! He just covered my hand with his own and lightly squeezed, a way of reminding me I wasn't alone. Then when he began his silly car-radio singing where he incorporates my name into every song, and changes the words around to suit, try as I might, I could not fight a ear-splitting smile. It's those little things though, isn't it?

Once we arrived and got registered, the clerk directed us to Dr. L's office to await him. I'm not sure what happened, but I began to feel as though the walls were closing in on me, like I couldn't breathe. Dear Boyfriend was talking to me, my eyes were scanning a pamphlet they had given me to read over, but I did not hear a word he said, nor could my mind process the information before my eyes. My heart started pounding, flooded my ears with the pulsating sound, I could feel that of an anxiety attack coming on, and then I said it, "Could you leave the room when the doctor comes in?" The look on his face said it all, the look of hurt, and it was what snapped me back to reality. I'm not sure why I said it, I sure as heck didn't mean it, I wanted him with me. We are in this together, after all, but nonetheless those words left my lips. Once words are spewed forth, they can never return to place of unspokenness, although I wished with all my might, just this once they could. I tried recanting, explaining, but I could still see that look in his eyes. I felt like a big stupid jerk. I'm selfish when it comes to my feelings, I focus constantly on what I'm experiencing...feeling, never taking into account that this affects him, too.

A quick rap at the door then Dr. L was there, in the room, closing the door behind him, keeping Dear Boyfriend right where I wanted him, and where he belonged. First thing he asked was why I was there, and what I wanted him to do for me. Direct. Straight to the point. He knew why I was there medically, he had my chart, but personally, it mattered just as much. I liked that. I was quick to say that fertility was my biggest issue, and the most important factor in all of this, as far as I was concerned. He informed me that they had some time to work with me seeing as I am 28 (well, technically not until next week), but this condition will progress, and once the age of 35, chances and success rates were low. I quickly did the simple math. 7 years. I've got 7 years to have my family. What if it took years to have even just one? I always wanted more than one child, at the least, three. Would hoping for at least two be greedy of me? Should I content my mind in only settling for one, just in case? All these question plagued my mind instantly, whirling around like a cyclone.

Dr. L told me it was up to me when I wanted to start trying, with his aid. And his aid? Clomid, a fertility drug. Success rates - pretty good; My luck - pretty bad. Here's the thing, you only get 6 months to try Clomid, after which time, you are thought of as 'infertile', and many tests and examinations would ensue. You know, the testing of, ahem...his marching soldiers, my fallopian tubes spring cleaned until they whistled, that sort of thing. Then next on the list would be looking into fertility procedures. Ex. In-virto...yada, yada...you get the point, the need for some cold hard cash. Fertility procedures are not cheap in the least!

There are some medications that will help with certain symptoms of my disorder, to which I've been offered to try, but seeing as none are safe to take if you are pregnant, or could become pregnant, I opted out. The best thing I can do to help control symptom flare-ups for now, and for life, is to maintain my body weight, and eat healthy, exercise often. Dr. L asked about my periods, and that's when I told him about my seeing a licensed Naturopathic Doctor the past 2 months, and filled him in on all my progress with Dr. B - 2 periods in a 6 week time frame! He said it was extremely important to have at least 4 periods per year. A uterus that is not shedding, and build up, is at a high risk for uterine cancer. Not to mention, due to my condition, I'm already at a high risk for diabetes (hormone imbalance = messes with insulin resistance), and heart disease. Fun stuff. I think not. So then came the prescription for hormone replacement called Provera. A form of progesterone that tricks your body into having a period. Then once you're having your period, on day 3 of your cycle you'd commence the Clomid. 8-10 days later, you should ovulate. Sounds easy enough, right? Oh, but nothing is without side effects. Hot flashes, cramping, nausea, that feeling of, 'down-in-the-dumps', are just a few that were mentioned. Here's my dilemma, all these unnatural man-made drugs are what I wanted to avoid in the first place, so what do I do now? I expected to leave the specialist feeling utter relief. Rather, I felt overwhelmed with what I wanted to do. I had to start re-evaluating everything, and quickly before my mind combusted from overload.

What was wrong with this picture? I left the specialists office more tormented than before I entered. It all weighed heavily on my mind. I mauled it all over a thousand times, with still no satisfaction or contentment. What should I do? Should I start the Clomid next month? Should I give up on acupuncture and Naturopathy? Then I started to fear taking Clomid...what if it didn't work? Starting it meant one of two things. It either meant I was 6 months closer to having a baby, or 6 months closer to finding out it wasn't going to work. The latter was what frightened me. And then with our pending move to Halifax, would it even be smart of me to start taking it now?

A good old heart to heart. The most open, and raw conversation two individuals can have. And that's just what Dear Boyfriend and I did. I poured my heart out to him. Admitted how torn I was about what to do. As much as I craved to feel the relief that I'll only experience when I become pregnant, when I know it has happened, and is possible for me, it all just didn't feel right. I was at such odds with myself. I wanted to feel that relief, but I hate feeling rushed to make a decision. He was patient with me, and tried his very best to understand my insane ramblings, and scenarios - God bless him! He reassured my fears, and reminded me of what I first wanted. And so, together we decided to continue with the Naturopathic route. It has been what has brought me thus far, and many positive things have happened. I need to give it more a chance, it is what feels right to us. Once we move, get settled into our new lives and environment, and if it still hasn't happened, perhaps then we'll reconsider it. For now though, we're just gonna relax, enjoy the summer, our time together, and continue seeing the Naturopathic, and having the acupuncture treatments. Only time will tell.

My mind is still now, silent, I've found my peace.